Senior year!!!

Hi, chums. Sorry for the long hiatus. I am in my senior year in college and am currently working on my thesis. Time flies. I know right? In my last post, I was still a sophomore. Now I am in my senior year. Well, it just felt like yesterday I graduated from high school and now in a few months I am about to finish my college, too.

Well, now that I am getting busier, I got less time to play and keep tabs with everyone in my life. I wonder if what I am doing is right. I have tried so hard to balance everything - my study, my work life, my social life and also my sleeping hours. The pressure is real here. 24 hours a day is certainly not enough.

Anyway, it is a week to my 22nd birthday. My friends have been asking me what I want for my birthday this year. Nothing came to mind. I just wish I could graduate on time this year. I want to make my mom proud of who I become and hopefully my dad in heaven, too.

Karma

Greetings, folks!

Turns out my college starts on March 10th. That's good cause hectic days are happening. School's open house is around the corner and I am so busy decorating the school. Workloads are getting more and more. I have class early in the morning, substitute my partner in the afternoon, and make decorations for the school and for my own BB. My only time to rest is lunch break.

I go home by bus during my semestral holiday. And yesterday I got an accident. It was a fine evening. The bus driver was early yesterday. It was a rare scene since our bus always comes 20 minutes late. So that day, I made a dinner date with my other two crazy colleagues. And we planned to go by bus and meet over there. One of us joined another bus. That left the two of us in the same bus.

So we hopped into the bus and waited for another department teachers. We were waiting for about 10 minutes or so. Once we were complete, we headed to our destination. I was sitting near the window, second row from the back. The wind was cool despite the giddy evening. And I loved it. I enjoyed looking out the window and lost myself in daydream.

That day, I was daydreaming like usual. Then suddenly I heard a loud scream from the other side and turned around only to find a middle-aged man in a black jacket riding on a motorcycle. I didn't get what had happened back then. The situation was a bit chaotic. All I knew then was that my bus stopped on the side of the road and bickering happened. I didn't get what they were arguing about at first. All I heard was that everyone was okay, none of us got hurt and that was a good news. But our bus driver was a bit cocky. He might have said something offended the man. The man then, insisted on having the driver's license. Our driver might have said something offensive about the police and the law. Then, the man seemed so angry that he raised his voice and took off his jacket. The man was wearing a police uniform underneath his jacket. Our driver was so shocked that he couldn't say anything. The police then asked him to meet him to have his license back. Our driver drove away and then stopped at the place mentioned. He crossed the road and got into one coffee shop. Some of the passengers left since they were close enough to walk home by themselves. I stayed. We waited and waited then our driver came back and asked help from us to become the witnesses. Thinking about our own sake, we decided to help him so we went there only to be told to sod off and mind our own business. The police told us that it was between the two of them and it had nothing to do with us. We were all brainstorming to find a way to help. And we decided to talk him out. Long story short, my colleague managed to talk him out and he finally handed the license and advised our driver to drive in a proper way and to learn from the experience. He told him he was lucky it was him he almost hit and not others. Because of him, he could know what was wrong with his driving.

It was late so we decided to cancel our dinner date. I went home straight. On my way home, I was thinking about the existence of fate and Karma and that everything happened for a reason. That was actually a thing I learnt from a preach two weeks ago. The sixteen of us together in one bus, we were all bonded by our own Karma. That is Fate. And how our bad deed and good deed flourished at the same time. That is Karma. We were lucky we were okay. That was a good one. End of story.

Random thoughts

Have you ever wonder what happens when we cease to exist?

I got this near to death feeling last Saturday. So we threw a surprise party for our dear friend. I was just going home from a friend's house. And we were driving on the highway. I was miles away from home. It was 12 something at night. And then my chest suddenly hurt so bad. It wasn't the pain you got when you got your heart broken. It was a new pain I have never felt before. That moment I thought I was gonna die. Drowsiness was all over me but I was too afraid to sleep. I was aware that when I slept, I wouldn't be able to make it. I talked much to keep me awake still. I didn't even tell my friends that my chest hurt like hell. I kept praying I would make it home somehow. I kept my breath steady. I wondered when the last breath was, when my heart was gonna stop pumping the blood, when the pulse was gonna stop. I looked out the window and cherished every view on the highway. It was dark with some dimmed lights on the side of the road but enough to let us see the way. That probably was gonna be my last.

I started to wonder what if I couldn't make it home that night, would anyone miss me? Would anyone look for me? Would anyone wonder why? Would anyone cry for me? Would anyone rue the day they didn't treat me well?

Ignorance is a bliss

Good day, chums!

Here I am enjoying every sip of my black coffee with mind wandering elsewhere. I have just gone home from school. School's Open House is around the corner. So we are kind of busy at the moment.

March 1st. Today is my last weekend spent lazing around. I am starting the fourth semester this coming Monday. Duh, here comes sleepless nights, dates with assignments, more lines under the eyes. I am so not ready.

Despite the hopelessly dull college life, I am looking forward to meeting my seatmates. The others? Nah. I have not told you about my college life, have I? Well, there are around 30 people in my class. Most of them are girls and very few boys. The boys are probably around five or six which I don't really care. Like normal college life, there are always groups of people in one class. Mine consists of nerds, fangirls (I swear they are so annoying), trendsetter wanna be, the carefree ones, gossipers, the ones I know exist, and the loud ones.

Nerds. They always sit in the front row. First thing they do after they arrive is open their books (which I don't even know we have). Their percentage of absence is ZERO. Skipped one lesson? All you gotta do is have their phone number in your contact and ask.

Fangirls. These ones are loud ones, sort of. But all their conversation subjects are about korean stars. I don't get how they could scream in a sharp deafening voice by just glancing at their photos. They are so updated about the actor's daily life. They follow them on Instagram, follow their Twitter, claim themselves as their biggest fans. I don't get how they can idolize someone so much. Anything about Korean stars you want to know? Hang around them for minutes and you'll know.

Trendsetter wanna be. These ones are terrible. All they do is wear some branded stuffs and boast about how expensive it is. They talk in an insulting way. They also like to criticize one's style. And they have this thought that pride is everything.

The carefree ones. These ones are so carefree that I think they got no problems in their life at all. They always come late to class. Despite their lateness, they could still waltz to their seats. They always do their assignments in the last minute. They probably go to college only for the degrees.

Gossipers. Like normal gossipers do, they talk about someone else. Gossip is their daily dose of vitamin to start the day.

The ones I know exist. They don't talk much. I barely talk to them but I know they exist.

And last but not least...

The loud ones. I am one of them. There are seven of us, all girls. We hang out together, sit in a row, make fun of the lecturers, joke around. But at times, we can be very studious. It depends. With them, college life is not that boring. At least, I got something to laugh at every weekdays.

College is just a place I go to when the clock strikes five. I spend one third of my day there listening to two to four hours of lecture, scribbling some notes, joking around. My friendship circle is just the six of them. Nobody else. And I don't think I should befriend everybody. None of them I truly care about. I am not arrogant. I just think it is a waste of time to mingle with those jerks. I only spend four years there, anyway. And besides, I don't need any more dramas in my life. I have my own problems and I believe everyone does too. I could not deal with any more high school dramas at the moment.

Growing up is really hard though.

Mood swings

Another greetings!

I have been reading many love stories lately and have been imagining what it's like to love again. Opening up about relationship in my previous post surely brings back memories from the past. It still hurts me to the deepest soul. Like I said I was traumatized. I am too afraid to go anywhere for chances are our path will cross again, but this time it will definitely not be a joyous meeting for the love of my life has been in a relationship. It is a small world after all. Our path will cross again one day.

I know it is time for me well... to give the hell up and move the fuck on. To be honest, I moved on but maybe not completely because the pain is still there. The thought of seeing the love of my life with someone else is so agonizing.

Sudden mood changes happen to me all the time. One minute it was all sunshines and rainbows, the next minute it was all dark and gloomy. People are asking me what is wrong but how can I tell them? It is pointless. I know what they'll say to calm me down. 'You should move on', 'there's plenty of fish in the water', 'you are stupid' all those kinds of shit.

Yes, I am jealous, present tense. I am so envious towards seeing you with another person and I hate the fact that that person is better than me. I hate that I can do nothing to change that. The truth has dawned on me. I hate the truth. I hate it. It hurts. I keep telling myself I should wish you all the best, wish you a happy life. But I can't. I just can't.

Maybe I am just that selfish.

Commitment

Greetings, chums! I am planning to spare some leisure time to do regular update on my blog.

Love. We all experience it. And love here refers to the kind of strong affection you have towards someone. And if you are telling me you have never loved, you are obviously lying either to me or to yourself because you are too scared or maybe too embarrassed to admit it. You must have loved at least once. No matter it is puppy love or love at first sight, for whatever love it is, it is love. It is normal to love despite your young age.

Being in love is the best thing happened to us. We wake up to good morning texts. Silly smiles. Gooey romantic texts. Butterflies in the stomach. We sleep, looking forward to waking up and spending another day with them.

Being in a relationship is a phase of getting to know each other, knowing all their imperfection and yet still accepting them for who they are. In a relationship, arguments happen. They aren't always bad. Sometimes we argue and find a way to bind us even tighter than ever. Trust me, breaking up isn't the answer to the problem in your relationship. Threatening with breakup is neither. That is why commitment is needed.

"Love is not blind. It sees but it doesn't mind"

So I have been observing people lately. Some took relationships like it is some kind of joke, some took it seriously, some took it for granted. I am so envious towards seeing how a couple could stay together for a long, long time despite all the ups and downs.

Personally, I have loved this special someone ceaselessly and have been in a relationship before. It was 5 years ago. We talked for hours, stayed up late texting each other, missed each other. We rarely met though. Once we met, it was all dream-like - the pulse-racing, butterflies, heart-wrenching. Just like couples do, we had our ups and downs. We did fight, rant, throw tantrums but we always made it in the end. Those days, I swear we were happy and carefree. It was us against the world. But things happened. I tried my best. Boredom was something I could not help. It wasn't working out though. So segregration it was. I cried, screamed in agony, ranted about how unfair life had treated me, but that could not bring everything back. I realized that but I thought maybe by letting out my tears, I could lessen the pain but the pain has never really gone away. Well, I opened my mind and then learned one thing from that. We were not committed enough. If we were, we would not be separated easily.

I get kind of traumatized in love afterwards. A future I had once imagined shattered into pieces. I lost myself. Picking up the pieces needs time. I recovered after all. People had no idea why I changed into a whole different person. All they knew was I grew up and became maturer.

I then came to a realization. It doesn't rain forever. Every problem is there to teach us. It is our choice to let it destroy us or to take it as a lesson and let it mold us to be a better person. Life is about choices. Sometimes we just have to learn it the hard way.

"You gave me a forever within numbered days and I am grateful for it"

In a blink of eyes

'Sup, folks?

Well, sorry for the hiatus. It has been a long, long time, eh? The last time I blogged, I was just a freshman. Look at me now. Woot! Time flies! I am nineteen now, last stand of my teenage years. Months till June and I am turning 20 - officially an adult. Oh well, here comes more decision making and maturer thoughts. *WHAAAAATTT?!*

In case you wonder about what I have done in this past one year, here is a short summary of my 2013. Like I told you in my previous post, I had a really tough year. I got a job I didn't even like, got into a college majoring in mom-decided-I-would-probably-be-successful-in-the-future major, failed in my relationship and friendships, but... well, there is always something good in everything. So, I had this kind of thought in the beginning of 2013 that my happiness was a prior and me working there was not taking me anywhere better. I then decided to quit my job in April 30, 2013 and got a new job in May 1, 2013. The gap within me quitting my old job and me getting a new job was like hours of sleep. *I know right?*

So I am currently working as a preschool teacher in one of a quite famous national plus school in town (I undisclose the school's name since it is safer this way or at least I think so :p), I blend in pretty well, and BTW, am living a quite happy and content life.

While about my educational life, I am still trapped in that hopelessly boring college and am currently a sophomore. I befriended a lot of new people and finally had some time to hang around with my homies and family. So I guess I got rid of the friendship part. And about the relationship part, long story short, it was all but futile so I kind of decided to put an end to all the butterflies, the heart-wrenching, the pulse racing and everything love does to one's soul (wish me luck cause I am still trying here)

Well, I got a new hobby which is reading books which I kind of loathed before since it contains too many alphabets. And now, I don't know. I just kind of like it. By reading, I feel like I have travelled to many different places. I got into people's mind. But don't you worry, people. As geek as I may look, I actually get a real life here. Tee-hee.

So I guess this is all for today. I got something else to work on. Thank you guys for reading. You guys are awesome people. *high-five*

See you in the next post!

-xxx-